Maybe it’s the cardinals. Maybe it’s the thrill of the
children’s voices when they are sledding. Maybe it’s the smell of chili on the
stove, just as my mom used to do every snow day. Maybe it’s my old snow gloves
that I still have from my first ski trip with my parents 15 years ago. Maybe
it’s the bright white of the snow itself or the fact that I could hear him
saying for the 100th time, “did you know each snowflake is
completely different. Isn’t that amazing?” but when he said it, it was just as
amazing to him as the first time he told me. Whatever it is about these snow
days, it reminds me of him; my dad that would have loved this. The cardinals,
the children, the sledding, the chili, the snowflakes…He would have loved it
all. And, my heart aches because I want to be loving it with him, not it
reminding me of him.
I took my big boys out in the snow after dinner last night.
The full moon peeked through the trees making the snow glimmer. We threw
snowballs at each other, laughed, and fell backwards into the white puffy
blanket that covered our front yard. I looked up and saw the stars. I’ve lived
in the city many years now and always missed being able to see the stars.
Although we still live in the city, our new house affords us a better look.
But, as I lay on my back in the cold snow with my two big boys on either side,
I almost couldn’t look at the night sky. The night sky that would have been
instantly explained by my dad. This is
this constellation. This star is named this. If you look closely, you can see
this planet. I looked harder when I got the courage to take another peek as
if I just may see him. In the stars? In the night sky? I don’t know why I
thought he would be there. I guess if he can’t be here with us on earth, the
Heavens would be his first choice. The glory of night sky always spoke to my
dad of the glory of our God. He taught me to love it too. So before my tears
froze to my face, I hugged my boys and picked up another snowball and played
some more.
We’ve played a lot during these snow days. The days where
normal rhythm is suspended and fun must be had. For we all know the snow will
not last long here. I’ve moved slower allowing my body to ease into the day,
linger in pajamas, and stay on the floor playing one more game of Connect 4. I
wish I could suspend so many of my days with my dad. Go back to them and make
them move slower, last longer. Go out and get one more cup of ice cream at the
beach. Take a walk along the shore. Drive to his office and be welcomed into
his exams rooms and meet his patients. Hear the explanation of the night sky
one more time. One more hug. One more kiss. One more snow day. One more of any
kind of day with him.
But, I can’t have that. The cardinals, the children, the
snowflakes and the night sky will have to do. They will have to remind me of
each story I have with him, each wonderful moment that I shared with my dad.
