Witnessing a Change

Recently, I attended my friend's labor and delivery as her doula. It was the first birth I had ever attended other than my own. Most people would say that to watch the birth of a child is miraculous and it certainly is, but what is just as beautiful is watching a woman become a mother and a husband become a father in seconds. The sheer joy that exuded my friend's face as her baby boy entered the world was beautiful.

I arrived to help her after she was already admitted to the hospital. Being one week passed her due date, she decided to be induced with pitocin. Later, an epidural was used to help with the pain and to offer rest. Both were successful and after laboring only a few hours, a precious new boy entered the world. I was reminded of the ultimate vulnerability of a laboring women and yet the powerful strength needed simultaneously in order to birth a child. It is the combination of release and power that makes laboring and delivery so hard yet so beautiful. It is those attributes that also beautify motherhood.

I was honored to breath through contractions, hold hands during the epidural, and count through the pushing in order to serve my friend. The definition of "doula" is a "woman's servant." The joy of serving a woman at this time is just that - a joy.

The Mandevilla Confession

Written by guest writer Beth Whiting, my dear friend and neighbor

I have the privilege of living next door to a wonderful friend who also has a son close in age to my daughter. We do almost everything together and it is a tremendous blessing. This summer we both wanted to spruce up our back yards, so we both bought mandevilla vines and put them in the corners near our fence. The only difference between the two plants is my neighbor’s vine has a pretty rod iron pole to grow up, while mine just wraps around the fence. The two plants seem to take turns doing well. Some weeks I look out the window to see beautiful blooms surrounding her corner of the fence, while my plant seems to be utterly fruitless. Then other weeks she comments on how beautiful my plant seems to be growing, and complains hers doesn’t seem to be doing anything. I am secretively envious when my plant has fewer flowers, so I vow to buy a rod iron pole the next time I’m out. Then, I become secretively proud when mine seems to have more growth than my neighbors, because mine is growing even without the added support. The funny thing is, I don’t even water this plant. If it does grow, I can’t take any credit for it. My question is if I am this way with a plant, then how soon is the day coming when I will do the same kind of comparison and analysis with my daughter against her peers? Lord, help me to not become envious or proud based on the performance of my child and children to come.

Related Scriptures:

Ecclesiastes 4:4 “And I saw that all labor and all achievement spring from man's envy of his neighbor. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.”

Exodus 20:17 "You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."

1 Corinthians 3:7 “It is neither he who waters, nor he who plants, but God who brings the increase.”

A Harsh Reality

"The harsh realities of the inner city" is a phrase I use alot to describe what living in Church Hill is like and what my kids (CHAT kids/teenagers who become our family too) have to deal with. They are moving every year, family members are entering jail and parents are addicted to drugs. But, a harsh reality that many of my teenagers deal with is sheer terror and loniness. They are broken by their circumstances and feel trapped that there is no where or no one to turned to.

A somewhat newer participant of CHAT, Tanisha*, has felt that harsh reality of being so afraid of her potential circumstances that she was paralyzed to call out for help. Being 17 and the only one of her 7 siblings to make it to her junior year of high school, she felt the pressure of possibly not being able to finish. Waking up sick every morning, missing her period, and being incredibly tired made her think she was pregnant. She was terrified of the outcome. When I found out of her possible situation, I offered that we hang out for a few hours yesterday. We headed to Chick-fil-A and as she pushed her food around the tray, I asked her if she was OK. I quick "yes" and a turn of the head made me realize she of course, was not OK. I admitted to her that a friend of hers had shared her concern for being pregnant and that I was here to help. "I can't be, I can't be" Tanisha repeated over and over again.

And as tears fell down her face, I realized how deeply scared she was. Not just for her life plans going up in smoke but actual fear of something else. When I pushed further about what she was so afraid of, she admitted that the guy she was previously seeing and the possible father of the baby had ordered her to "take care of it and if she did not he would come over and beat the f**k out of her." When she explained to her that she would not "take care of it," he promised that he would "have his people surely take care of it for her." But, there was more than just fear on her face. Shame pervaded her demeanour of slouched shoulders and fallen face. As we tried to make a timeline of last period, when sex occurred, and when the nausea began, Tanisha described her sexual encounter. Even though protection through a condom was agreed upon to be used, the guy removed it half way through and would not put another one on. Tanisha allowed sex to continue. But, her demeanour showed me she did not even know she had the ability to stop it. What is going on that a seventeen year old girl feels she has no voice to say no, to demand respect, and to be heard. Is it the music that calls for sexuality at all times or the images of girls on television to demote us as only sexual bodies to be used by anyone at their pleasure. Of course, no one would call this rape but the anger whelping inside my heart suggested otherwise. Our society is rapping our teenagers. Tanisha consented to sex continuing but why? Was she so desperate for love and affection that she would allow a boy she was only "talking to" continue to use her only for his pleasure. What is missing? Where is her affection elsewhere that would compensate for this? She is a smart, beautiful and kind teenager who felt not only afraid of her pregnancy test outcome but afraid she would lose what little affection she was given. Our teenagers are growing up with no father to tell them they are beautiful, they are loved and they can wait for their husbands. If you have no father, you have no picture of waiting for a husband. What is that? My mother has no husband - only men that come and go as they please to make sure their needs are met.

There has to be a change, a drastic shift in society that reminds us of our value to God and to each other. That we are beautiful because He created us and our affections are only for Him. But, what inner city girl who has possibly never met their own father or who was abused by him, what to give their entire life over to a heavenly Father. How can they be so different? Many of my teenagers ask each week at our Bible studies. Pray for healing of each lonely teenager in Church Hill, pray that they would know Jesus as their one true love, their Heavenly Father, and pray this generation would be different - sex would be guarded as precious in marriage, our bodies would be used to glorify God, and our worth would only come from God alone.

*names have been changed to protect my dear girls.

Pushing Back On More

If only I had more time, if only I had more money, if only I lost more weight. I catch myself thinking "if only" phrases much too often. But lately, as I have been more conscience of my failure to be satisfied with what I have and where I am in life, I have begun to push back on desiring anything more than what I have. I heard today that our society and generation is being marked by quick fixes and immediate gratification. Our society wants everything fast and has believed that we "can have it all" with no sacrifices. Well, that just is not true and I want to continue to mature in my belief that I do not want it all. I want to want exactly what I have now and enjoy each drop of joy that comes. In fact, I really love my life. Yes, today I did get peed on by my 14 month old but in general life is great. I can work from home when he naps, I get to play on a volleyball team, relax at home with my son while he plays, and well, let's face it, write this blog. And, not that I want my life to always be comfortable or easy for I would not characterize it as such since I live in the inner city of Richmond and work for a ministry here that faces the harsh realities of the urban poor (not to mention raise my son!) but I would like a simplicity about it that is dunked so deeply in satisfaction for exactly where God has me now. It is easy to see that now. I have a one year old, a great little house to care for, and a very appreciative husband. But, that could all change quickly....more children, more demands in the neighborhood, more home to care for if we ever move, more, more, more. I want to be able to resist that temptation for something new to always be happening. How do I balance that with my desire for growth, education in new areas, and improvement? As I go, friends, please help me to resist the "if onlys" and remember the belly laughs of my son, the quiet hours when he naps, and the fun nights out with my husband, even if they are watching a movie on our laptop in the backyard to save money.

Invitation to Generosity

As my fourth year with CHAT begins this month, I am amazed by all that God has done in Church Hill. It is easy to be overwhelmed with the crime reports, the failings of some participants, and the apathy of neighborhood residents. But, when I focus on the miracle of some of the CHAT participants, I am in awe. Essence, Monique and Imani have proved the power of God through their transformative lives.

Essence (pictured right with Monique and Imani) has been in my Bible study for three years now. She was a part of the first graduating class of Church Hill Academy and started community college. Her life was one of hardship – abusive families, foster care and group homes. But, she was adopted by Percy and Angie Strickland, the founders of CHAT, participated in CHAT, and has become a beautiful woman of God who excels not only in academics but is committed to being a good friend and leading others to Christ. She has grown in the Lord and even now, encourages me and teaches me truths of God.

Monique graduated and started college with Essence this fall as well. Monique hopes to be an accountant and is paying for her college through a work study program set up by CHAT so that she can stay connected to the CHAT community while receiving funds for her tuition and books.

While Imani was scheduled to graduate, she needs one more class and I will be teaching her individually this fall to finish. She did however get a job at a local childcare center and got an apartment of her own in the community.

These are the girls that I first met when coming to CHAT over 5 years ago and have watched grow into women who trust God and desire a better life. These are the leaders that we hope to raise up through CHAT – not through a certain program but through committed relationships, opening our home, and genuine love. If you are able to partner with me in God’s plan for Richmond’s inner city, please consider becoming a financial donor. Your support would allow me to offer loving, sustainable relationships that, through Christ, will change lives, the Church Hill community, and Richmond city for generations.

As a new year starts, if you are able to give, please mail donations to CHAT at 601 North 31^st Street, Richmond, VA 23223. I will be continuing on part time with CHAT with a goal of $15,000 for the next year. To learn more about CHAT, visit www.chatrichmond.org. Thank you!

Back to the Basics

Even though our home is without a television, the internet, specifically www.hulu.com has enabled my reality television guilty pleasure to continue. I am fascinated by The Biggest Loser and have always loved design and makeover shows. Even as a young child, Trading Spaces, an old TLC show captivated me during breakfast after Swim Team in the summers. There are not as many shows available since it is summer and with a one year old, there is not exactly time to watch marathons of FOX. But, Henry was sick a few weeks back and all he wanted to do was sleep on me while I sat on the couch. To pass the time, I searched Hulu for a show to watch. "Hell's Kitchen" showed up as a "show I might like," as the website helps introduce you to new shows based on what you have previously watched. At first, the cheesy intro and the cursing of the host, Gordon Ramsay, turned me off from the show. But, it was about cooking and that I loved. With not much else to watch and a very sick baby, I gave in and watched three seasons in one week. Gordon Ramsay is an extraordinary chef with many successful restuarants. In a new show, called "Master Chef," he allows amateur home chefs to compete for $250,000 and their own cookbook. There were many stay at home moms but also construction workers, lawyers, doctors, and college students competing. I thought to myself for a minute...maybe I could do that. I have catered events, cooked for my family, and I love reading recipes. I am adventurous in the kitchen and have a basic knowlege of food, I told myself. Then their second challenge threw me for a loop. It was basic - chop onions. Make one bowl of sliced onions and one bowl of chopped. Simple? Yes. Terrifying? Yes. I know I chop onions incorrectly because I cry every time. I realized that learning some basic technique would be good for me, probably good for all of us. Here is Chef Ramsay's youtube video on "How to Chop an Onion" if you want to learn.

Happy Chopping!

Keeping House

A friend, who I deeply admire, asked me for advice on “keeping a home.” She has run a successful business, is married, and now raising two beautiful children. There are so many things that I admire about her – her food philosophy, her kindness and patience with her children, her passion for sharing everything she learns – so I was honored when she asked me for advice. I do, though, enjoy a clean home. Growing up in the south, we still had hired help to assist my mother in keeping our home given its size and her busy schedule. My brother and I always had to pick up before Esther came to clean. I did not understand that until I was married and cared for my own home. There is a certain level of “pick up” that must happen before any deep cleaning can take place. I think the “pick up” phase of cleaning is what my friend admires about my home. I will admit, I am not that great of a deep cleaner. I loathe cleaning bathrooms and have only made it around the baseboards twice this year. But, neatness and order are high values of mine when managing a home. Managing is the key word here and what I shared with my friend. It is a daily commitment to keep your home refreshing for you and available for anyone who might enter. Now, this does not mean I am cleaning and picking up every room all the time just for remote idea that someone will walk through the door and judge my home management skills. It is for me, for my family, and for my desire to always have a welcoming home. When my son is done playing and it is time for a nap, we clean up together. When dinner is over and it is finally time to relax, well, I wash the dishes and tidy the kitchen, mostly because for me, it is so refreshing to walk into a clean kitchen come the morning. It is the exact moment that you don’t feel like making the bed, putting the dishes away, or picking up toys that I suggest that you do it.