Today's One Thing

This is how it goes when my family and I return from a trip… immediately unload all luggage and anything packed. Take suitcases straight to the owner’s room and unpack clean clothes. Put dirty clothes into the laundry bin. Return suitcases to closet. It’s my way of “returning to reality.” The trip is over and it is time to prepare for the coming week. Lingering in “vacation mode” will only inhibit the progress of the coming week. I know, it’s a bit harsh but it worked for me. I don’t like to live in the “in between.” That was then, this is now. Reality is here and let me be as organized as possible to greet it.

But, this past Sunday was different. My husband, kids and I returned from my mom’s home after a week of intense mourning. We returned to our Richmond home and I intended on preparing my home in the same fashion I had done every time I packed each little suitcase for an outing. Henry carried his bag up and unpacked it himself. Callaway carried his up and I helped him unpack and then as if I was a robot, I unpacked the twins’ bags as well. But, there my bag and Jeremiah’s bag sat. It sat there on Monday. It sat there on Tuesday. And even on Wednesday morning, our bags sat on our bedroom floor. There was no haste in unpacking. For unpacking would have returned me to reality, a reality I was not prepared to face. Reality meant that in fact, this suitcase had been packed for the worst week of my life. A black dress I had purchased to celebrate my cousin’s wedding, shorts I wear to play with my children. A hairbrush, make up, pajamas.; how did I even pack this bag? And now, how would I ever unpack it?

Hanging up that black dress would mean life would go on. I would wear it again to another celebration. My shorts returning to the drawer would mean that I would play with my children in the backyard as I had done the week before. I would possibly brush my hair and put on make up. And, maybe even pajamas saying to me, “yes, you just might sleep again.” But for now, they stayed in my unzipped suitcase that I stared at each morning and each night since I returned. I would stay laying in my bed with a pain in my heart that caused my entire body to ache. I would look through pictures in the dark and convince myself it just could not be real that my dad’s sweet face was no longer here. The bed brought solace and for today, that’s where I would stay.

But, I did pick up a devotional given to me by another who had lost a loved one. It said we cannot think of all the days we will live without our loved one for that would be crushing. We only have today. And today, we don’t have to do everything but we do need to do one thing. And, so it was. Today I was going to do one thing. Today I was going to get out of bed and unpack that suitcase. I pulled it onto my bed and unloaded the clothes. Hung the dress, refolded the shorts, and tossed a few items into the laundry bin.  It was time to press into reality. I moved slowly as if my room was filled with thick water. But, as I moved, the thickness subsided and I moved a little quicker. Soon, my clothes were unpacked and I moved onto Jeremiah’s bag. Then, I made the bed and put on those shorts and decided to go greet my children.

I simply cannot think of all the days without my dad. Thinking of our upcoming trip to Disney or that this year was our Christmas to spend with my side of the family brings more sadness than I can face today. But I don’t have to face all of that reality yet. Today’s reality is enough to bear. Today, I can do one thing.