1 Down, Many to Go

“Can Daddoc come to my birthday party?” Callaway asked.

“Well, no,” I explained. “Once you get to Heaven, you stay there.”

“Maybe God will give him a piece of cake, then.”

“I bet so”

Just last year at Callaway’s third birthday party, my dad was the first one here. He wore a superman shirt for the Super Hero birthday party and was happy as could be for Callaway’s big day. As November 2^nd approached this year, I knew it was going to be hard. It was our first real family celebration since dad died. Did I just say that? Dad died. It just still feels like I am writing someone else’s story. But, I’m not. This is my story. Our story. I still don’t want it to be my story but it is nonetheless. So, here we are. Celebrating Callaway the best way we can without all losing it that my dad is not here with us.

My mom arrives and the second we hug, we cry. We know it isn’t right. He would have given anything to be there to sing to Callaway and share in his hyper newly 4 year old energy. We let go of our hug, wipe away our tears and sigh. We can do this. We can make it through this day. And we just might have some joy. For joy is exactly what dad would have wanted for Callaway.

Mom and I took a special treat to Callaway’s preschool. My parents have come up for many holidays at the preschool watching Henry perform as a pilgrim and the boys march together in a Halloween parade. The place is not neutral to my mom even in Richmond. We sing, take pictures, we are trying to be normal.

Later, friends join us, we eat pizza and cut into a rainbow cake filled with m&m’s and skittles. Callaway is ecstatic and probably overdosed on sugar. And, maybe the sugar helped us too. We were filled with joy, we did enjoy the day, and we were excited for Callaway. It was almost normal. But, the normal is just sad. So sad for us who remain and want to spend another birthday with my dad. Remaining here on Earth is so beautiful and yet so tragic at the same time. The love that makes my heart cringe in sadness over how much I miss my dad is the same love that makes me kiss my boys 50x a day.

1 holiday down, many to go. I was almost relieved when the day was over. Whew. November 2^nd, done. But, I don’t want to rush through the special holidays and merely survive without my dad but thrive, love deeply and enjoy each moment being together. He would have certainly done that and as he is eating his rainbow cake with m&m’s and skittles in Heaven, I’m sure he’s encouraging us to do that same.