You Are Not Alone

 A Testimony to God’s faithfulness during suffering and the power of prayers of others.

Just a few weeks ago, I was desperate. There is no better word to describe where I was, who I was or how I saw things. Desperate. I was desperate for the sun to shine and the days to be longer. I was desperate for the holidays to end and a normal routine to return. I was desperate to find joy in this season and feel the excitement that a new baby brings. But, joy was eluding me. I was too tired, too drained, and too sick to fight or it or even remind myself of truth. Things seemed dark and heavy. Tears flowed often – memories of my dad or grandparents, frustration with the kids, overwhelmed with the possibility of adding more to our already full life. Seriously, what were we thinking? I had gotten to the point that I wished I wasn’t pregnant. Maybe if I weren’t pregnant I would parent the children I have better. I could keep my house in a neater working order. I could stop throwing up throughout the day. I could cook again. I could think. I could be one step closer to my children not needing me each second of each day and maybe, just maybe, breathe.

But, I knew in my heart this wasn’t right. We had prayed for this child. We had carefully considered opening ourselves up to another member of our family. We had felt for months that our family wasn’t complete. We had analyzed the “pros” and “cons.” We had relived my postpartum depression, the financial strain, the help I would need, the addition burden we placed on ourselves. It all seemed worth it. It is all worth it but I was blinded to see that. I was overwhelmed with the negatives and failed to remember the blessings in bringing forth life. I knew I needed to be reminded of truth. My heart and mind needed to change. I knew I couldn’t make it 5 more months being pregnant feeling like this and then entering a postpartum phase that could pull me even farther away from the light. Desperate.

So, I did what felt like the hardest thing I have done. I reached out. I told someone how I felt. I actually said the words to a friend “I wish I was not pregnant.” I cried. She teared up. I felt lost and scared. She prayed for me and encouraged me to reach out to others. I wrote and email to a few of my girlfriends and explained where I was. It’s terrifying to do – to let someone, multiple people, into your web of lies in your own brain and admit how you really feel. Terrifying.

But, what happened is nothing short of a miracle. I sent the email. That day I tangibly felt the heaviness lift from me. I stopped throwing up for the first time in weeks. I felt lighter. I had energy. My house was still a wreck, parenting is still hard, and I still am overwhelmed. But, the darkness is not around me. I can move without feeling hopeless. I can imagine a future with this baby in this family and smile. I can see the joy growing as I am reminded of why children are such a blessing. There is no way I could have gotten to this place on my own. I was stuck. I was frozen – paralyzed by my own fears and doubts. It was the grace of God through the prayers of my friends that set me free from the bondage of lies I believed. I know this is not the end of the journey and I will probably have to reach out many more times but the truth is – when you cannot pray, when you cannot walk out the truth that you know, when you cannot stand to take another step, others who believe are there to see you through. You do not have to do it all on your own. You can raise the white flag, call it quits for today, and let others hold your arms up in worship to the God that cares, that sees, that hears and that answers prayers. James 5:16 says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”