Back to School with Grief

“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the oe’r frought heart and bids it break.” –William Shakespeare

What words are there to give this grief? What could be said that would make my heart break just a bit less? It will have to be the words of a story. The story of a man I can’t begin to write a memory about.  The reality of his absence is not yet fully realized. To write a memory would confess the truth. The truth that my dad is not with me on earth anymore and that I will have to wait on God’s timing to see him again.

I think of my dad often though and all of the new memories I had hoped and planned to create with him. I recently dropped of my oldest son, Herny, to Kindergarten. I thought, oh dear, I’m so emotional lately, I am going to surely cry. He is my oldest child. It’s his first full day of school. However, I didn’t cry. He was ready and excited. I was ready and excited for him. I was not sad, but extrememly proud. I know his path will be great. I see the curiosity in his eyes, the desire to do what is right, and the innovation to make things better. I pray those things for him. My dad always prayed that for Henry. He could see those things in Henry too.

I left that first day of school only wanting to call one person. My dad would have wanted to know how things went for Henry. I wanted him to know. I wanted to tell him. I wanted him to hug me and tell me how proud he was of Henry. And, that is where my heart breaks. Will I always remember what it felt like to hug my dad, to put my hand in his and have him tell me that I’m beautiful and that he’s proud of my children?

There are no words to give that will not break my heart. The reality of his absence is so crushing that only tears will temporarily relieve the pain. They flow from inside me as if they were locked away tightening my entire body attempting to keep from breaking down while returning library books. I keep hoping that at the end of my tears, the reality will not be as it is. The relief from the tears would not only be temporary but that I will wake up and this will not be so. I will hug my dad again. I will feel his hand in mine. I will hear his kind words. I know that relief is not coming in this life so the relief of my built-up tears will have to do today. And, for today, I will hug my children, hold their hands, and tell them how proud I am of them. For I know, if dad were here, that’s exactly what he would do.