Filling the Gap

This weekend, my sweet, kind, amazing, (did I mention he was amazing?) husband loaded up our four children and drove off to his parents’ house at the lake. I had packed their suitcases, handed him a bag of snacks for the car ride and waved goodbye wishing him luck. I walked back inside, still wearing my pajamas at 9am, and made a hot cup of coffee. Then, I sat down. Yes, sat down with my hot coffee. I did not get up until the mug was empty. It was pretty amazing.

This time was meant for me to rest, move slowly, and enjoy the quiet. Grieving the dead when you have so many lives to care for has been taxing. It is in the quiet moments that the sadness hits me and I am able to cry, remember Dad, and actually continue on the grieving path. I needed more of that time. I needed the quiet, the space, the permission to be free to feel what I needed to feel and do what I needed to do.

I’m not the best at moving slowly so I did decide to have a few things to fill the time. I scheduled a facial. I ran errands that took me all over Richmond. I went to church. I had dinner with a friend. In between those things, I finished reading a book, I baked and I binged watched my guilty pleasure, Project Runway.

Moving slower was nice. Finally, no laundry to do, no rooms to clean up, no “time outs” to enforce, no meals to cook, no bedtimes to adhere to. Wouldn’t this be great?! And, it was. My facial was great and she worked around my tears because I remembered my first facial – at the Dead Sea Spa in Israel on my trip with my dad. My friend and I sat for two hours talking about our lives at an outdoor restaurant sipping wine that I know my dad would love. I could cry as I made bran muffins because I was imagining what my dad was feasting on at Heaven’s banquet table. I could listen to the sermon being preached and think about how my dad lived his life as a picture to so many about Christ.

I may have filled my schedule this weekend, but I can never fill the “gap” between my life and my dad’s in Heaven. And, I don’t’ want to.

Nothing can fill the gap when we are away from those we love, and it would be wrong to try to find anything.....It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; he does not fill it, but keeps it empty so that our communion with another may be kept alive, even at the cost of pain. -Dietrich Bonhoeffer

It was in those moments, at the spa, sipping the wine, pouring the muffins into the pan, listening to the sermon that I was once again connected to my dad. Like, Bonhoeffer said, those moments are painful. I cried. I wished he were here. I had to re-live the fact that he is not. It pained my heart. I felt crushed all over again. But, it was worth it to feel connected to him in my everyday life. I will remember him through so many parts of my life. And, so I may fill my time, fill my calendar, fill my day but I will not fill the gap. No matter the pain it brings, I want to always remember, always cherish and always be thankful for God’s peace to comfort me with a reminder of my dad.