Dinner is put away. Kids are in bed. I meet my husband at
the sofa to talk expectations. Yes, I’d really rather go watch the next episode
of “The Mysteries of Laura” on Netflix. But, this has to happen. Earlier that
day, I was a crying, emotional mess, exactly what my husband loves to hear on
the other end of his office phone in the middle of the day when he can do
nothing about it. I’m not losing weight, the kids need more of me, the house
needs to be cleaner, the laundry is overflowing, I want to be there for my
friends, doula client due dates are approaching, and the aching exhaustion of
prolonged grief sweeps over it all. Make a list he says. Make a list of every
expectation that you think is on you. Whether the expectation is from him or
me, I was to write it down and we were going to talk through which one of those
expectations were created in my own head, agreed upon as a couple, or unspoken
but true. So, we sat down and I pulled out my list. We read over them, all 17
of them that I actually believed were expectations that I could meet on a
weekly, sometimes daily basis.
The hope of the conversation was to eliminate a few, make
adjustments to allow for the more important ones to get pushed to the top of
the list, or talk through how to help meet ones that I was struggling with. We
read them again. What can we eliminate? Well, none of them. I don’t want to
eliminate any of them. I want to hit my full capacity on each of these expectations.
No, I’m not being sarcastic. I’m being honest. Although in reality, and
especially seen through my moments of crying, frazzled, middle-of-the-day calls
to my husband’s office, they just cannot all be met. But, why can’t I let some
of them go? Why do I think it necessary to be as physically fit as I was 3
years ago, to cook homemade meals all day, be available to my children when
they need me, discipline and love them, make space for friends, building a
career albeit part time doula work and sharing about healthy living, spending
time with Jeremiah, all the while, not spending a lot of money, keeping up with
our home, and our children. Whew. I’m tired just re-typing that.
But, what I realized from reading my list again is not that
I feel some outside pressure from friends or social media. I’ve been there
trying to live up to society’s standards for me. I’m over it. Maybe it was
arriving in the 30’s age category. Maybe it’s realizing that I don’t want to be
what I see in the world on the cover of magazines, unless of course it’s
Princess Kate. It is the pressure I feel from within. I want to preform at high
capacity and do each area of my life well, right now. I am not willing to
extend the grace to myself that I do to other people. I hold the tension
tightly fighting between being available for my family and pursuing helping other families care for theirs. I hold the tension tightly to be
present with my children or to make space for me to rest, write, or recharge. I
told the tension to keep our house clean and tidy while trying to relax and
“let it go.” The inner struggle is within me. I am the one building up the
to-do list as something that must all happen to feel accomplished, deserving of
love, or successful.
The reality is, though, there wasn’t an item on the list
that I was actually meeting the expectation in its entirety. If it were a bar
graph, the heights would be all over the place with the % of expectation met.
To me, that’s infuriating, frustrating, and depressing. I want it to be 100%.
But, I don’t have 5 sister wives so I better start realizing that running on
full capacity in every area of my life is not only unattainable but miserable.
I am relying on my own strength to care for myself, my family and my friends.
It’s impossible and I want it to stop. I was to rest in the fact that my lack
of fulfillment in the expectation is exactly where God wants me to be. He wants
my heart to be turned towards serving Him because I love those He has entrusted
me with. I must rely on Him, not me, to
accomplish anything. My failure to complete laundry by Wednesday night does not
reflect poorly on my unrealistic expectation to get all of our laundry done in
a day and half but instead reveals my humanness. It reveals the beauty of God’s
provision in my life to have so many children with so many clothes to care for.
Instead of sulking, I should be shouting thanks to God. May God open my eyes to
his expectations for me. May he help me understand that the only real way to
complete any task is with his help and his provision. May my weakness cause me
to praise Him.
I was reminded of this truth in 2 Corinthians. Paul explains
to the people of the church at Corinth the wonderful power of Jesus that is
living in us. Paul says that as humans, we are but mere jars of clay, and that
Jesus choses to live in us. By our weaknesses, or cracks, we are able to show
the glory of God, not our glory, to others.
6 For God, who said, “Let light shine out of
darkness,”[a] made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the
knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. 7 But we
have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is
from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but
not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not
abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around
in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed
in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to
death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal
body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in
you.
13 It is written: “I believed; therefore I have
spoken.”[b] Since we have that same spirit of[c] faith, we also believe and
therefore speak, 14 because we know that the one who raised the
Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you
to himself. 15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that
is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the
glory of God.
16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly
we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For
our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far
outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but
on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is
eternal.
