Time Stopped

Most days I feel claustrophobic in my own mind, my own skin, my own house. I see the people running by my house as the morning light approaches with envy of their freedom. I used to be a morning runner when the world felt calmer, quieter with a secretive quality to the time before you have to share it with anyone. This was one of my favorite aspects of being a Doula. It's dark, the middle of the night and I'm called away to a sweet mama's home. No one knows but us. We hold this sacred secret of what is to come. Work is being done - hard, exhaustive, painful labor - that is untainted by the outside - by noise, by cars, by stuff. It's as if the time stops and you are holding space for a completely new person to join us. The only other time I have felt this way is on the coast of NC. Time stopped, waves crashed, and briefly this world and the next seemed to meet with a calm yet powerful wave that rolls over my feet to remind me of something greater, something more.

The Choice

I saw the look she gave me when I got out of the shower. Her four year old eyes giving me the once over and her nose scrunching in a little bit of confusion. Was it the hair she doesn't have yet, the boobs that she knows make milk for brother, or the excessive skin and fat that hand like its own being that I have to carry around, tuck in and sinch tighter to wear my clothes? I saw her face and I had to decide in that little moment how to respond. Do I explain my body changes? Do I point out how much it's different from hers? I chose to say nothing. I grabbed my towel and dried off with her right there - even as my stomach hung loose while I dried my legs. She smiled, loving that I leave my body oil in her room and we get to share it - it smells like cookies, she says. I tried to remember that in her eyes I'm beautiful - she tells me every time I wear pink or a dress - and I always will be until I tell her otherwise. When I wish away body parts in front of her, complain of everything being tight, fail to receive a complement, she'll know that my normal body is not normal and when hers starts to look like mine, normal will be hated and I just can't have that.

Reflecting on Henry's Anxiety

Right now I am remembering an outing that I had with Henry. He was probably three or four and we went to the chidlren’s museum. In the middle of exploring the museum, we get called over the loadspeaker because our van door has been left open. With Henry and Callaway in tow, we go investitage the van door and when we emerge from the museum to the parking lot, realize that it is pouring down rain. I didn’t haven umbrella or rain coats for the boys. Henry is starting to breathe harder and harder. He was already upset and confused why we had to leave the museum, worried something was wrong with our van, and then furious at me for not being prepared with umbrellas or rain coats. This was going down hill fast. I realized in that moment, though, that Henry should not be as upset as he was. He could not adjust when we needed to change the scheduled plan of how we thought we were going to go through the museum. He felt fear by the van door not being taken care of, and he was so overwhelmed at the thought of not being prepared for the weather. 

He was carrying burdens that were not his. Whether I put them on him or it is just his personality, he was weighed down by the responsibility of the day without the maturity to handle the necessary changes that occur in a day. Life with Henry was often like this. If plans changed or did not work out like he expected, he was very hard to be around. If a place was too loud, too crowded, too unstructured, he would have a temper trantrum as his way of expressing how overwhelmed he felt. Some of that is ok. For some people, loud, crowded, unsctructred places are not their thing. That is fine. But, what we had to work on with Henry is to trust that I knew best as his mother and that I would protect him and do what I thought was best. 

This played out in a few different ways. As Henry’s mother, I did protect him from places that I thought may be overwhelming – CHAT VBS, large gatherings, friends homes that were chaotic. We stopped having certain families over that wouldn’t honor his space or his words. We moved – not only for henry – but it did help give him a more peaceful space to play and grow. But, life cannot always be as Henry would request. He cannot rule the family, decide all of our plans, and be the dictator of what is best as Winters. I am hospitable by nature, love to have people over, and want everyone who comes in our home to feel welcome so I knew this was something I would have to work on with Henry if he was to embody that value as well. So, that’s what we did. I set out on a long term plan to slowly stretch Henry’s ability to handle stress and spontaneous change while also honoring his personality and providing places and times of refuge after a situation. 

As a young child, I would intentionally change the plans on Henry when I had the capacity to deal with his response and teach him the right way to handle unwelcomed change. If our plans for the day were to go to the grocery store, the gym, and then home for lunch, I would change the order and go to the gym first. It sounds simple but to a three year old who has been wanting to know the daily schedule since he awoke, it’s a big deal. He would cry, say “that’s not what you said earlier” and start to stress out. We would always go back to the question? Do you trust Mommy. Make him say “yes” and then remind him that “mommy had your best interest in mind and I will do what is best for you and our family.” It’s a matter of trust and control. He wanted control over the day but that is a burden he was not actually prepared to carry at that time. 

We would move into bigger arenas as he got older. Changing who picked him up at school, what’d we have for dinner that was different than the menu board, or intentionally forgetting something – like a water bottle or snack or bike – at a park and forcing him to adjust. It was hard and the temper tantrums were hard. He is still a rigid kid – loves a routine, knowing the schedule, keeping his room clean, and having down time. I honor that by asking him ahead of time if he wants playmates, rewarding him for his clean room, and keeping a somewhat structured day. But, there are days, that he doesn’t want friends over but I invite them anyway because they are friends of mine too and his siblings friends. It is best for the majority of the family for them to come over even if he isn’t in the mood. We talk beforehand, let him have some time to prepare and then make sure I leave quiet space for him afterward. However, there are times now that he just doesn’t get that and I am OK with that. Not every day is going to go as planned and I still expect his attitude to be as such that he can welcome others into our home or life with respect and happiness. 

When I talked to doctors about it, they all suggested giving him more control – let him decide the day, come up with the plan, etc. I think that is fine as they get older and earn that privilege but deciding your day is an earned privilege – not a right. If you continue to cater to one child, they will rule your family. I have seen it happen and it is so hard especially as they age. Instead, you need to teach them that you as the parent are in charge, have their best interest in mind and will protect them. Also helpful is to get them thinking of someone else instead of themselves. Henry used to get really worked up as we prepared to load up the car - the shoes, the coat, etc. was all a battle. A trick I learned from another mom was to give them a job that forced them to think of someone else in a time they may be anxious - Henry will you get in the car and buckle your sister. Henry, will you carry my water bottle and bag to the car, etc. Get their mind off themselves and onto the collective task at hand.