Conversation with Henry 2/12/18

Callaway runs up to me to "tell on" Henry. He said that I lost "like I always do." Those words had hurt Callaway's feelings after an upset in Beyblades, this new fascination with an asian mini version of battle bots. Unfortunately I wasn't surprised by the words Callaway had reported. I believed what he said because I've heard Henry use such words in the past. He struggles to allow others to shine and feels it necessary to always remind of us of what he is good at and how well he did at something. It's an ugly side of a wonderful young man but I pray God will continue to humble his tender heart.
But, this time something was different. I called them both over to rehash the situation and it quickly became evident that Callaway had added the part where Henry said "like I always do." Yes, Henry had pointed out that Callaway had lost and probably could have been a more gracious winner but Callaway exaggerated to make his point.

Henry lost it right then and there. His precise, attention to detail, justice-loving self burst into tears. He hated that Callaway lied in order to "get him in trouble" or at least attempt to. He went on and on about how Callaway purposely cheats in games, does not do things "the right way" and then lies to get him in trouble. Through his tears and huge sighs, I was having trouble discerning if this was from the fear of getting in trouble, ruining his reputation as a "good kid" and having to face his own shortcomings as a loving brother. Or, was this more? Was this a genuine disdain for things not being done "right."

Finally, the more we talked, I could sense his real issue of Callaway not doing what is right and Henry not being able to fix him quickly. Henry said, "I see Callaway doing it to Mills - not playing the game right, taking advantage of him so he can win, cheating, and I just can't stand it. I try to stop him to protect Mills, but he won't stop. I don't want him to do to Mills what he has done to me. I want him to change but he doesn't stop when I tell him to stop." And, we just entered a new zone. Henry has true intense empathy with a desire to see righteousness displayed. My eyes filled up with tears and in that moment was so thankful for how God has made him and yet so pained that he was carrying a heavy burden like trying to change his brother even if it was for his other brother's good. I know that feeling. I know that heavy burden and I know when I am carrying something that isn't mine to carry. I knew in that moment God's wisdom was so necessary as I tried to make my way through these complex emotions of his and mine. Years of deep feelings, unfair sibling treatment, and misunderstanding came flooding through my mind but I asked God to help me see Henry for Henry only - not myself at Henry's age. "Help me Lord, to teach him what I wish I had been taught at his age."

I thanked Henry for his desire for things to be "right and fair" and for his protection of his brother Mills. I told him what a gift from God it is to feel what someone else is going through, see their pain and hurt, and have the courage to do something about it. But, I also tried to explain that we cannot carry burdens that are not ours. I knew in that moment that I needed to step up with my parenting with Callaway. He tends to get away with more, get his own way, and can have a sneaky bent towards his words and actions. Unfortunately, sandwiched in the middle of an older sensitive child and twins and then a new baby, Callaway - a happy, go lucky type - gets to float on his own. But, I see that Henry has been picking up my slack and feeling the need to parent Callaway. I told Henry that if he sees Callaway doing something wrong, to continue to tell Callaway to do what is right but that if does not respond, to come get me and let me handle it. From there, he has done his job to see the unjust action and respond appropriately. "Let me be the parent," I told him.

Then the harder part to understand. We cannot change people. As much as we could like to reason with people, show them how to change, and even have their best interest in mind, we, in our humanness, cannot affect real change in someone else's heart. That, my son, is God's job alone. We can pray and hope for someone's sin to be revealed to them -whether through the holy spirit or through those that they sin against -  and see the heartache and pain they may be causing. But, true heart change can only come from God. And, we have to be patient and loving while those around us walk out their salvation with the most patient and most loving God who is continually gracious to never give up on us and to finish a good work until its completion. God has promised that he will "make everything beautiful in its own time." That is God's time and not our own time.

A Letter to my Future Self

·      Motherhood is hard. It is physically, emotionally and spiritually draining. I want to come as a relief to you. I want to bring you food, clean your house, do your laundry and care for the children when I come so that you can sleep, shop, read, or just enjoy your home without the worry of housework. I will be out of the stage of being needed 24/7 and want to lift that burden from you when I can. Like my mother said, “I can be tired for a night or two. I can sleep when I get home. You can’t.”

·      There are many paths to take in motherhood and yours will certainly change along the way as you grow and learn. There will be many voices, books, preachers, friends, and blogs telling you what to do and how to mother. Listen to your voice, your mama intuition. You will know what is best by trying, by praying, and by being the mama you are at that very moment. I want you to know that I will be there for you every step of the way. I will not judge what you are doing but enter into your sacred space as a mother who has walked before you and will gladly help if you want it. 

·      Your body is beautiful and in the meantime, I want to make sure you have clothes that fit.

·      Money is tight when you have children. When I am in town, I will pay for food and trips and really anything that I can. It will be a blessing to bless you.

·      If they bottle feed, offer to stay up and do the night feedings for them.

·      If they nurse, encourage her that it will get better. It is not always picture perfect right at first or ever but she can do it. It is work that is worth it.

·      I you see something that needs fixing in their house, fix it for them if they give permission. They are too tired to care about it or to fix it. I will not point it out and do nothing about it.

·      Babysit for them so they can have a date night. Treat them to that date night.

·      Spend time with the grandkids. They want your time, not your toys.

·      Make it as easy as possible for your children to come visit, especially when they have children (have baby gear, toys, buy diapers/wipes/formula/food for them, have a meal plan, fill up their car with gas), and thank them for coming and recognize all the effort it takes to travel anywhere with children.

·      Your daughter in law is not your daughter. Your family is new to her and you will never be her best friend or mother. Give her space and love on her the best you can. Do not take everything she does personally. Give her space to be the mama to her family and wife to your son. Your son loves her and that's why you'll love her too.

·      I must remember where your validation comes from - the lord! If I am looking for security in anything else (your spouse, your kids, your job, your body) I will be insecure and overly sensitive. I will be too concerned with yourself to serve your family.

·      I am the matriarch of your family. You set the tone for love, hospitality, and joy. Do not think that your time serving is over because your children are grown and "you've done your time." Christ served us until his death. It is our joy to serve our family.

·      When you go to visit you children, you are entering their space. Point out the positive things. Do not pick on the few things that could change. If they want help with their home, they will ask. Bring food when you come. It's a burden to stay with others even if they really want you there. Bring food, do laundry, change the sheets, be a blessing!

·      and of course, pray for her and your relationship with her. she is a sweet baby right now whose mama is rocking her, loving her, and hopefully telling her about Christ and the wonderful earthly man she will one day get to love. that earthly man is my son.