So Clear Now

It all seems so clear now. Driving on 85 north towards Richmond in the pouring rain, back pain at a 7, and a crushed up Bojangles bag to my right. My baby is sleeping in the back seat and is surrounded by the 6 bags - yes 6 bags -it took the two of us to travel for two nights to my mom's house. Though the sky is dreary, the music is quiet to keep the baby asleep, and my eyelids are so droopy from exhausted, my own voice is screaming loudly at me. Why did you do this? Why did you put yourself through this? Why did you think this would be a good idea? And, why, oh please tell me why, when on Thursday when you realized it wasn't the best idea for you did you continue with the plan in place when a simple, "Hey mom, actually, I've realized its probably best for me to stay in Richmond this weekend" could have saved me from two days of little sleep, critique of my body and family, spending money I had not planned on, facing memories I was too tired to face, and hitting the trigger button on eating issues that I have worked so hard to control.

And there it is, the real issue - frustration. Frustration at myself for saying yes when I should have said no. Frustration at myself for even needing somewhere to go overnight. Frustration at letting her still get to me. Frustration that I gave in to those binge eating feelings and let them master me.

And, I know, I know. This is a life lesson. "Next time you won't do this" Ill tell myself. My husband, who is ever so gracious, will tell me. Its ok. Its over. Let's move on from it and try to remember for next time. And, he's right. So, here is my remembrance for next time. My fear of staying home alone is better to face than the barrage of comments, thoughts, tiny actions that make me feel never good enough around her. I was scared that if I stayed home alone, I would use my free time to indulge - eat whatever I wanted, watch as many shows as I wanted, and ultimately worried that I would freak out come 11pm and not be able to sleep. Well, guess what? The same happened in NC at my moms but I ate out of suppressing emotion, I indulged in her world of thinking that appearances matter and could somehow make me enjoy motherhood more, and didn't end up sleeping much at all thanks to an unhappy traveler of a baby and finally getting some time to myself and wanting to enjoy the quiet.

But, I couldn't disappoint her. I couldn't call her and change her plans. I knew she would be crushed. But, here I am crushed at the start of a new week when the demands are so high and I so deeply want to be available and ready to parent and love those in this house. I put her needs above my own and as I unpack those 5 bags, 3 new clothing bags, and look at my messy house with 7 loads of laundry waiting for me, I think of how unwise it really was to have gone. So, I did surrender some of my people pleasing and told her I was going to leave early this morning instead of staying until after church and lunch where she was going to "show us off." She was disappointed but I was so exhausted, so overwhelmed, and so desperate to get into my own home and start anew, that I was able to push those uncomfortable feelings of disappointment and do what I knew to be best. Its crazy because it was actually a fine weekend with her. Her snide comments were less, she seems genuinely grateful that I came, and she was very generous with buying me so many clothes. But, none of that is worth the feeling I have now. Sitting her typing this with complete exhaustion, a fussy baby playing on the floor and the work it will take to recover from being with her. So, here is my reminder. Here is my note to self.

Pushing Aside

Pushing Aside

Lately I have felt them creeping up. Getting  closer and closer to me. So close that I can feel my space closing in and the air leaving. My chest tightens and I cant breathe. My vision is lost and all of a sudden, it is dark again. I am carrying too much. Them. Those. Expectations. Requests. Demands. Self imposed problems. Burdens. These things for me are graspings from the outside to perform, to produce, to participate in activities, and to be the person I think everyone needs me to be. 

When I was pregnant with my twins, I remember a moment when I pushed all “them” to the side. My health and my family were my first priority. I didn’t worry about what I wore, we stopped hosting community group, everyone who was living with us left, playdates slowed down, I didn’t volunteer, I didn’t take on doula clients, we ate simple meals and I payed for babysitting help so I could rest and do laundry. It was completely freeing. My goals and tasks were still many but the focus was narrowed. I knew my jobs – grow these two babies and care for the other two already here. Simple yet so hard. 

I lived in this space for another year and almost two. But, life happened and I was hit with the worst grief Ive ever known after losing my dad and we moved after a 10 year stent in a previous neighborhood. Life felt very hard and so much harder to do the focused life I had built. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t complete a day without being an emotional mess. But, instead of keeping things simple, I wanted a distraction. I ate my way through the better part of a year. Displcining my kids went out the window and I watched so much on Netflix that my eyes hurt. I spent too much time on facebook, tried to start a side network marketing business and make our home available to everyone in our new area. It was my way of fooling myself into thinking things weren’t as bad as I knew they were. My heart raced with anxiety most days and then fell hard with grief on the others. I was tired, overwhelmed, and wishing away my days. 

Then, we found out I was pregnant with our fifth child. I was so terribly sick that certain things had to fall away again. And, I found myself doing like I had done before: removing this expectation, taking off this responsibility, tearing off this self-seeking validation. I knew I couldn't handle more but felt like a failure each time I removed something I had put on myself. My goals were hard yet simple once again - care for this life inside of you and the precious four already here. What an enormous task in a new home, a new neighborhood, with increased family demands and yet still so much pressure from myself to be more than "just a mom." I was able to ward off such pressures during the pregnancy and for a few months postpartum. But, as my head began to rise above the water at about 4 months postpartum, I quickly started layering up again. Ill just hop back on social media, Ill make something of this side business, I will host this event, plan this get together, have these friends over, read these 5 books, lose this weight and so on. 

But, it hit me about one week ago when my second son sent us barreling into the ER after a run in with a glass door requiring 9 stitches. The needs at home are so great. So big. So many. So demanding. All of those other expectations, desires, plans for the future, escapes, addictions, attention - they all need to be stripped off and thrown far away. I cannot even carry the needs of my family much less any extras that I am putting on myself. So, here I am today, removing them once more. Pushing them to the side. Throwing them into the fire. I am recommitting myself to the calling that I know God has put on my life - the enormous and valuable task of caring for my family and teaching them about Him.