Pushing Aside

Pushing Aside

Lately I have felt them creeping up. Getting  closer and closer to me. So close that I can feel my space closing in and the air leaving. My chest tightens and I cant breathe. My vision is lost and all of a sudden, it is dark again. I am carrying too much. Them. Those. Expectations. Requests. Demands. Self imposed problems. Burdens. These things for me are graspings from the outside to perform, to produce, to participate in activities, and to be the person I think everyone needs me to be. 

When I was pregnant with my twins, I remember a moment when I pushed all “them” to the side. My health and my family were my first priority. I didn’t worry about what I wore, we stopped hosting community group, everyone who was living with us left, playdates slowed down, I didn’t volunteer, I didn’t take on doula clients, we ate simple meals and I payed for babysitting help so I could rest and do laundry. It was completely freeing. My goals and tasks were still many but the focus was narrowed. I knew my jobs – grow these two babies and care for the other two already here. Simple yet so hard. 

I lived in this space for another year and almost two. But, life happened and I was hit with the worst grief Ive ever known after losing my dad and we moved after a 10 year stent in a previous neighborhood. Life felt very hard and so much harder to do the focused life I had built. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t complete a day without being an emotional mess. But, instead of keeping things simple, I wanted a distraction. I ate my way through the better part of a year. Displcining my kids went out the window and I watched so much on Netflix that my eyes hurt. I spent too much time on facebook, tried to start a side network marketing business and make our home available to everyone in our new area. It was my way of fooling myself into thinking things weren’t as bad as I knew they were. My heart raced with anxiety most days and then fell hard with grief on the others. I was tired, overwhelmed, and wishing away my days. 

Then, we found out I was pregnant with our fifth child. I was so terribly sick that certain things had to fall away again. And, I found myself doing like I had done before: removing this expectation, taking off this responsibility, tearing off this self-seeking validation. I knew I couldn't handle more but felt like a failure each time I removed something I had put on myself. My goals were hard yet simple once again - care for this life inside of you and the precious four already here. What an enormous task in a new home, a new neighborhood, with increased family demands and yet still so much pressure from myself to be more than "just a mom." I was able to ward off such pressures during the pregnancy and for a few months postpartum. But, as my head began to rise above the water at about 4 months postpartum, I quickly started layering up again. Ill just hop back on social media, Ill make something of this side business, I will host this event, plan this get together, have these friends over, read these 5 books, lose this weight and so on. 

But, it hit me about one week ago when my second son sent us barreling into the ER after a run in with a glass door requiring 9 stitches. The needs at home are so great. So big. So many. So demanding. All of those other expectations, desires, plans for the future, escapes, addictions, attention - they all need to be stripped off and thrown far away. I cannot even carry the needs of my family much less any extras that I am putting on myself. So, here I am today, removing them once more. Pushing them to the side. Throwing them into the fire. I am recommitting myself to the calling that I know God has put on my life - the enormous and valuable task of caring for my family and teaching them about Him.