So Clear Now

It all seems so clear now. Driving on 85 north towards Richmond in the pouring rain, back pain at a 7, and a crushed up Bojangles bag to my right. My baby is sleeping in the back seat and is surrounded by the 6 bags - yes 6 bags -it took the two of us to travel for two nights to my mom's house. Though the sky is dreary, the music is quiet to keep the baby asleep, and my eyelids are so droopy from exhausted, my own voice is screaming loudly at me. Why did you do this? Why did you put yourself through this? Why did you think this would be a good idea? And, why, oh please tell me why, when on Thursday when you realized it wasn't the best idea for you did you continue with the plan in place when a simple, "Hey mom, actually, I've realized its probably best for me to stay in Richmond this weekend" could have saved me from two days of little sleep, critique of my body and family, spending money I had not planned on, facing memories I was too tired to face, and hitting the trigger button on eating issues that I have worked so hard to control.

And there it is, the real issue - frustration. Frustration at myself for saying yes when I should have said no. Frustration at myself for even needing somewhere to go overnight. Frustration at letting her still get to me. Frustration that I gave in to those binge eating feelings and let them master me.

And, I know, I know. This is a life lesson. "Next time you won't do this" Ill tell myself. My husband, who is ever so gracious, will tell me. Its ok. Its over. Let's move on from it and try to remember for next time. And, he's right. So, here is my remembrance for next time. My fear of staying home alone is better to face than the barrage of comments, thoughts, tiny actions that make me feel never good enough around her. I was scared that if I stayed home alone, I would use my free time to indulge - eat whatever I wanted, watch as many shows as I wanted, and ultimately worried that I would freak out come 11pm and not be able to sleep. Well, guess what? The same happened in NC at my moms but I ate out of suppressing emotion, I indulged in her world of thinking that appearances matter and could somehow make me enjoy motherhood more, and didn't end up sleeping much at all thanks to an unhappy traveler of a baby and finally getting some time to myself and wanting to enjoy the quiet.

But, I couldn't disappoint her. I couldn't call her and change her plans. I knew she would be crushed. But, here I am crushed at the start of a new week when the demands are so high and I so deeply want to be available and ready to parent and love those in this house. I put her needs above my own and as I unpack those 5 bags, 3 new clothing bags, and look at my messy house with 7 loads of laundry waiting for me, I think of how unwise it really was to have gone. So, I did surrender some of my people pleasing and told her I was going to leave early this morning instead of staying until after church and lunch where she was going to "show us off." She was disappointed but I was so exhausted, so overwhelmed, and so desperate to get into my own home and start anew, that I was able to push those uncomfortable feelings of disappointment and do what I knew to be best. Its crazy because it was actually a fine weekend with her. Her snide comments were less, she seems genuinely grateful that I came, and she was very generous with buying me so many clothes. But, none of that is worth the feeling I have now. Sitting her typing this with complete exhaustion, a fussy baby playing on the floor and the work it will take to recover from being with her. So, here is my reminder. Here is my note to self.