Callaway runs up to me to "tell on" Henry. He said that I lost "like I always do." Those words had hurt Callaway's feelings after an upset in Beyblades, this new fascination with an asian mini version of battle bots. Unfortunately I wasn't surprised by the words Callaway had reported. I believed what he said because I've heard Henry use such words in the past. He struggles to allow others to shine and feels it necessary to always remind of us of what he is good at and how well he did at something. It's an ugly side of a wonderful young man but I pray God will continue to humble his tender heart.
But, this time something was different. I called them both over to rehash the situation and it quickly became evident that Callaway had added the part where Henry said "like I always do." Yes, Henry had pointed out that Callaway had lost and probably could have been a more gracious winner but Callaway exaggerated to make his point.
Henry lost it right then and there. His precise, attention to detail, justice-loving self burst into tears. He hated that Callaway lied in order to "get him in trouble" or at least attempt to. He went on and on about how Callaway purposely cheats in games, does not do things "the right way" and then lies to get him in trouble. Through his tears and huge sighs, I was having trouble discerning if this was from the fear of getting in trouble, ruining his reputation as a "good kid" and having to face his own shortcomings as a loving brother. Or, was this more? Was this a genuine disdain for things not being done "right."
Finally, the more we talked, I could sense his real issue of Callaway not doing what is right and Henry not being able to fix him quickly. Henry said, "I see Callaway doing it to Mills - not playing the game right, taking advantage of him so he can win, cheating, and I just can't stand it. I try to stop him to protect Mills, but he won't stop. I don't want him to do to Mills what he has done to me. I want him to change but he doesn't stop when I tell him to stop." And, we just entered a new zone. Henry has true intense empathy with a desire to see righteousness displayed. My eyes filled up with tears and in that moment was so thankful for how God has made him and yet so pained that he was carrying a heavy burden like trying to change his brother even if it was for his other brother's good. I know that feeling. I know that heavy burden and I know when I am carrying something that isn't mine to carry. I knew in that moment God's wisdom was so necessary as I tried to make my way through these complex emotions of his and mine. Years of deep feelings, unfair sibling treatment, and misunderstanding came flooding through my mind but I asked God to help me see Henry for Henry only - not myself at Henry's age. "Help me Lord, to teach him what I wish I had been taught at his age."
I thanked Henry for his desire for things to be "right and fair" and for his protection of his brother Mills. I told him what a gift from God it is to feel what someone else is going through, see their pain and hurt, and have the courage to do something about it. But, I also tried to explain that we cannot carry burdens that are not ours. I knew in that moment that I needed to step up with my parenting with Callaway. He tends to get away with more, get his own way, and can have a sneaky bent towards his words and actions. Unfortunately, sandwiched in the middle of an older sensitive child and twins and then a new baby, Callaway - a happy, go lucky type - gets to float on his own. But, I see that Henry has been picking up my slack and feeling the need to parent Callaway. I told Henry that if he sees Callaway doing something wrong, to continue to tell Callaway to do what is right but that if does not respond, to come get me and let me handle it. From there, he has done his job to see the unjust action and respond appropriately. "Let me be the parent," I told him.
Then the harder part to understand. We cannot change people. As much as we could like to reason with people, show them how to change, and even have their best interest in mind, we, in our humanness, cannot affect real change in someone else's heart. That, my son, is God's job alone. We can pray and hope for someone's sin to be revealed to them -whether through the holy spirit or through those that they sin against - and see the heartache and pain they may be causing. But, true heart change can only come from God. And, we have to be patient and loving while those around us walk out their salvation with the most patient and most loving God who is continually gracious to never give up on us and to finish a good work until its completion. God has promised that he will "make everything beautiful in its own time." That is God's time and not our own time.
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