How Many More?

It seems as though the questions never stop. When you are single, people ask, “So are you seeing anyone?” When you are dating, people ask, “so, when are you getting married?” When you are married, people ask “so when are you going to have a baby?” And as soon as you get that baby out, the questions just keep on coming. “So will you try for more?” I thought after having four babies, the last two being twins, that the questions would stop. But, I was wrong. Just in the last two weeks, people, some that I know well, some that I’ve just met or barely know, ask me if I plan on having more children. This has been the case since the twins were born. I assumed it was normal and part of our culture’s extreme desire to know everyone else’s business. My friend assured me that it is not everyone else. We have friends with four children and they are not being asked when they will have another baby.

Then, I thought, well, maybe, it was people’s interest in my philosophy on children, when to stop having them, how to prevent that from happening, etc. I’m involved in birth work as a doula and attributed it to that. But, my friend assured me again it was not just that. She really thought it had to do with the fact that I “seemed traditional.”  And, by that, I guess she meant that because I married young, I stay at home with my children, wanted a large family, and with fairly easy pregnancies and deliveries (relatively speaking) could conceivably keep this thing going.

This is a question my husband and I wrestle with a lot lately. Fortunately, we were able to conceive very quickly. Sometimes even quicker than we “planned.” But that brings up a wide range of emotions too. My first baby was born a few months after I turned 24. By 28, I had four children ages four and under. At that rate, you might as well call me Mrs. Dugger if no preventative measures were taken. Also, I’ve lost babies through pregnancies. I have had three miscarriages, one of them being a twin to my second son. That is a loss that is hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced it and the worst kind of pain that you never want anyone to experience. I am certain that life begins at conception and grieve the loss of the children I never got to hold. And, because I grieve those losses, I am reminded more deeply of the blessing and gift that children are.

So, why then, would I not want to continue welcoming those blessings into my life? Maybe that’s what people really want to know when they ask. And, I usually give them answers that they want to hear. I tell them, I want to spend quality time with the children that I do have. My husband and I plan on sending them to private school and want to be able to afford it. Cost of living is high. Groceries are expensive. Any more children would not fit in my current vehicle. Any and all of those answers are true and usually suffice when asked.

But, if I’m honest, I’m terrified. I’m terrified of feeling like I have before. I’m terrified of sitting on my back porch crying because I feel nothing, want to do nothing, and have nothing to give my family. I’m terrified that my baby will be born and the joy of holding that baby will not rush over me. I’ll know that I’m supposed to be excited and pretend so no one will notice that I’m not. I’m terrified that I’ll be driving and have a panic attack so fierce that my mind and my body do not act in sync. I’m terrified I’ll watch my life go on before me and feel like I’m a passive participant to the life with the ones that I love. The depression that gripped me as a new mom and the same depression that can roar its ugly head at any time, if not managed, is powerful and the single most determining factor at the moment as to how to proceed with the size of our family.

The desire to have a sibling for my first son is what pushed me to proceed as I became pregnant with my second son and then with the twins. I kept saying, “I know it will be worth it.” I had also learned what worked for me to manage it well. I had great support through my midwives and OBGYN, the extra help through my family and friends, hired help through housecleaners and nannies to assist with daily responsibilities and regimented management through medication, exercise and rest.  

As a family, we invested a lot through expanding our family. And, I can say, it was truly worth all of it. But, that desire, that push to keep going is not there as present as it was before. Because of the lack of desire to grow our family, sometimes I feel like a failure, like depression has won. It’s gripped my ability to keep going, keep pressing through for the sake of such a precious gift. On the other hand, I feel like a success, like depression didn’t keep me from having the family I do have. I did keep going, kept pressing through for the sake of my four precious gifts. They were worth. Every single day, they are worth it.

And because they are worth it, it’s worth it to me to be present with them, to be mentally and emotionally healthy, and enjoy the lives I’ve been given to mother. One of my midwives told me early on that we all deserve joy but we must fight for it at times. I was willing to fight for that joy to create my family and I’m willing to fight now to mother them. But, I have come to realize I cannot do both. This may not always be the case but for now, I’m fighting for joy. Fighting for laughter, for love, for being fully present in the lives of my littles. They are worth every bit of medication I have to take, mile I have to run to get my adrenaline rising, nap I need to take to recharge, and help I have to enlist. My head is rising above water and I am ready to swim with them.